I don’t know why I do it. I should stop, because apparently, there are things I don’t want to know, would never want to know, and which affect my mind since I know them now. And how do I explain that effect that they have on my mind, since technically I’m not supposed to know?

Funny to find out that your man wishes he could enjoy a stranger. A strange woman, not you. Maybe I don’t satisfy him. It’s true – I don’t. Sex isn’t on the top of my list. Wonder why? Is there something wrong with me? Possibly.

When I get into these moods, I just want to.. ARGHHH!! I don’t know, I just want to do something stupid. Want to hurt him, want him to feel the hurt that I feel. I can’t believe the shit I read. The shit he says about me to other guys. It’s a guy thing though, I suppose? Somehow I figured him to be different. Not like other guys. He’s never come off that way. I take that back – he used to not come off that way. These days, there’s no difference between him and my ex. Granted my ex had his own good qualities (and bad).

It’s funny how we expect a relationship to not change when we get into it, how we expect a person to not change. But they do, and WE do. And that changes everything, doesn’t it. And it’s so hard to realize.

It’s easy to blame someone else. And maybe that’s what I’m doing. Hell look at my past few entries. I talked about another guy, about another guy touching me. Am I any better?

But that doesn’t make a difference. Does it. No. It still hurts, deeply hurts, to imagine that he would think things like that. That he might consider a “happy ending” if he was traveling and no one was there to find out. Fuck you bitch. Maybe I should consider that. Maybe I will.

Maybe I fucking will.

I’m giving myself a headache over something that doesn’t exist, that shouldn’t exist!!! How do I make this stop!!!!

I wish I could
Make my words
Sing to you
The way yours let loose
A river of cool water
Down my body

Goosebumps in its wake.

A simple desire
From so long ago
Thought lost, abandoned
Forsaken perhaps

Now it burns
In the palm of my hand
A mysterious glow
Throbbing
Pulsating

Seeking to be unraveled.

A pleasure only felt
In the darkest
Of dreams
Yet the magic leaves behind
Indelible marks

On my skin.

I guess it wasn’t over then. I never realized it in my euphoria over the current events. And now, 2 years later, when the euphoria has worn off my relationship, perhaps reconnecting wasn’t a good idea. But I can’t help it.

God, how his words speak to me. A river of cool water rushes over and down my body, leaving goosebumps in its path, leaving me breathless, yearning to feel his touch.

Did I really write that? Yes. I did. It’s a train wreck. I can’t let go, but what will happen if I hold on? There can’t be anything on his side, or can there? That day, at the coffeeshop, I saw a glimpse. We touched the topic briefly, though it was like sticking your hand into a fire, feeling it burn.

And that’s what it feels like now. It’s pain and it’s pleasure. I know, logically, there are so many reasons that it would not work, not that I would ever try. I know that my current relationship (my fiance for goodness sake!) is probably the best, and I have never questioned it before.

I wonder though. I don’t think I question it even now. But I hold this mystery in my other hand, it glows and it burns. It seeks to be unraveled, like my clothes with his hands, his long fingers working their magic on my skin, leaving indelible prints.

I wonder, had it happened then, or even if it happened now (no! I shouldn’t think about it!), would it be the same fire? Is it just the thrill of the chase, or the haunting memories of a pleasure never felt that beckon me to him?