I don’t know why I do it. I should stop, because apparently, there are things I don’t want to know, would never want to know, and which affect my mind since I know them now. And how do I explain that effect that they have on my mind, since technically I’m not supposed to know?

Funny to find out that your man wishes he could enjoy a stranger. A strange woman, not you. Maybe I don’t satisfy him. It’s true – I don’t. Sex isn’t on the top of my list. Wonder why? Is there something wrong with me? Possibly.

When I get into these moods, I just want to.. ARGHHH!! I don’t know, I just want to do something stupid. Want to hurt him, want him to feel the hurt that I feel. I can’t believe the shit I read. The shit he says about me to other guys. It’s a guy thing though, I suppose? Somehow I figured him to be different. Not like other guys. He’s never come off that way. I take that back – he used to not come off that way. These days, there’s no difference between him and my ex. Granted my ex had his own good qualities (and bad).

It’s funny how we expect a relationship to not change when we get into it, how we expect a person to not change. But they do, and WE do. And that changes everything, doesn’t it. And it’s so hard to realize.

It’s easy to blame someone else. And maybe that’s what I’m doing. Hell look at my past few entries. I talked about another guy, about another guy touching me. Am I any better?

But that doesn’t make a difference. Does it. No. It still hurts, deeply hurts, to imagine that he would think things like that. That he might consider a “happy ending” if he was traveling and no one was there to find out. Fuck you bitch. Maybe I should consider that. Maybe I will.

Maybe I fucking will.