I have always prided myself on growing and evolving.  That is one thing in life I’ve always wanted – to be sure I’m growing as a person, in my thoughts, actions, etc.  And I’m not sure, now I feel like the past 2 years, that hasn’t really happened.  And who’s to blame for that?

Myself, for one, yes.  I think I’ve grown much more lazy in the past few years.  It’s terrible.  But then I wonder if I can blame my other too.  Well, first of all, there was this cocoon of comfort that was created almost from the beginning.  Initially, it started out as wonderful, safe, everything you could imagine.  But recently, especially in the last year, I think it has turned negative, probably from both sides.  And each blames the other.

I just had a random thought in my head, from a dance practice we did for a cousin’s wedding 4 or 5 years ago.  I remember being much more outgoing then.  I used to run around, take the place of someone who was missing, make people laugh.  Now, I feel as though I’m nowhere near as outgoing, and I feel like there is some sort of unknown force holding me back.  And I wonder if it’s him.

It’s strange.  It feels like I’m just on the edge of an epiphany.  But I don’t know what to do with it.  Now that I have this knowledge, where do I go?  How do I apply it?  How do I fix it?  So fuckin’ confused.

We are not as close as we used to be.  In fact, we are the furthest from each other that we have ever been.  The past 6 or so months have been Really Bad.  I’m scared that it’s only gonna get worse.  I combed through some old emails and old conversations last night – and damn!  Who were those people and where the fuck did they go?  SIGH.

I’m so lost.