I wish I had written about this a while ago, about a week ago, when it was fresh in my head and easy to let the words go.  God, I don’t know why it affected me so much.  It’s just “guy talk” right?  When two (or more) dudes get together and make crass comments about unknown chicks?  Strip clubs?  Etc.?  Hell, I mean, look at the earlier posts here, and some of the shit that I’ve pulled in my past.  I sure as hell am no saint.

So then why is there that dead empty feeling in my stomach anytime I read anything remotely like that?

It hurts.  It hurts like a bitch to imagine him even thinking about another woman, getting with her, fucking her, even if it “means nothing.”  Fuck that shit.  Argh, I’m getting pissed writing about it.  Every time I read it, I have this urge to hurt him too.  Not like I don’t have the opportunity.  Hell, I have one BIG opportunity.

 And yet, I can’t fucking deny that I love him.  And at times like this, that seems like the biggest disadvantage ever.  At times like this, I just want to… I wish I never fell for him, for anyone.  After the ex and I broke up, I wish I was solo and that was that.  I know I know – the grass is always greener.  But hell.  It would be fun.  Damn it would be fun.

And yet.  ARGH.  Times like these, I hate being a girl.  Maybe we humans aren’t meant to be monogamous.  I mean, hell, marriage is bullshit.  Look at how often it fails, even when it doesn’t end in divorce.

And seriously, what the fuck is his obsession with sex anyway?  And always wanting to try new things?  Yeah, maybe you should have that checked out.  God, maybe the problem is not just with me, maybe it’s both of us.  Ever thought about that, Sparky?

Ugh.  Nothing is ever perfect.  And right now, I don’t feel like anything ever gets close.