I have always prided myself on growing and evolving.  That is one thing in life I’ve always wanted – to be sure I’m growing as a person, in my thoughts, actions, etc.  And I’m not sure, now I feel like the past 2 years, that hasn’t really happened.  And who’s to blame for that?

Myself, for one, yes.  I think I’ve grown much more lazy in the past few years.  It’s terrible.  But then I wonder if I can blame my other too.  Well, first of all, there was this cocoon of comfort that was created almost from the beginning.  Initially, it started out as wonderful, safe, everything you could imagine.  But recently, especially in the last year, I think it has turned negative, probably from both sides.  And each blames the other.

I just had a random thought in my head, from a dance practice we did for a cousin’s wedding 4 or 5 years ago.  I remember being much more outgoing then.  I used to run around, take the place of someone who was missing, make people laugh.  Now, I feel as though I’m nowhere near as outgoing, and I feel like there is some sort of unknown force holding me back.  And I wonder if it’s him.

It’s strange.  It feels like I’m just on the edge of an epiphany.  But I don’t know what to do with it.  Now that I have this knowledge, where do I go?  How do I apply it?  How do I fix it?  So fuckin’ confused.

We are not as close as we used to be.  In fact, we are the furthest from each other that we have ever been.  The past 6 or so months have been Really Bad.  I’m scared that it’s only gonna get worse.  I combed through some old emails and old conversations last night – and damn!  Who were those people and where the fuck did they go?  SIGH.

I’m so lost.

I don’t know why I do it. I should stop, because apparently, there are things I don’t want to know, would never want to know, and which affect my mind since I know them now. And how do I explain that effect that they have on my mind, since technically I’m not supposed to know?

Funny to find out that your man wishes he could enjoy a stranger. A strange woman, not you. Maybe I don’t satisfy him. It’s true – I don’t. Sex isn’t on the top of my list. Wonder why? Is there something wrong with me? Possibly.

When I get into these moods, I just want to.. ARGHHH!! I don’t know, I just want to do something stupid. Want to hurt him, want him to feel the hurt that I feel. I can’t believe the shit I read. The shit he says about me to other guys. It’s a guy thing though, I suppose? Somehow I figured him to be different. Not like other guys. He’s never come off that way. I take that back – he used to not come off that way. These days, there’s no difference between him and my ex. Granted my ex had his own good qualities (and bad).

It’s funny how we expect a relationship to not change when we get into it, how we expect a person to not change. But they do, and WE do. And that changes everything, doesn’t it. And it’s so hard to realize.

It’s easy to blame someone else. And maybe that’s what I’m doing. Hell look at my past few entries. I talked about another guy, about another guy touching me. Am I any better?

But that doesn’t make a difference. Does it. No. It still hurts, deeply hurts, to imagine that he would think things like that. That he might consider a “happy ending” if he was traveling and no one was there to find out. Fuck you bitch. Maybe I should consider that. Maybe I will.

Maybe I fucking will.

I’m giving myself a headache over something that doesn’t exist, that shouldn’t exist!!! How do I make this stop!!!!

Here I am, in another empty hotel room, by myself. It’s been almost a year since I was in this position, and even then I didn’t want to be there. I had finally found him, the jeevansaathi (JS), who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Okie, so finally implies that I had been looking. Which I had not. I mean, I guess it was just too complicated – everything that was going on in my life – to really call it “looking.”

But that aside, it came to a point where it sucked to be away from him, and only be able to see him on weekends. That too, not very often, because of the parentals.  Then I changed roles at work, and found myself always home.  That allowed me kind of be able to live with him.  So I did, on a weekly basis – home on the weekends.  I did that for almost a year, with some weeks at home.

And then came a massive job change, and I’m back to traveling.  At least for now.  So I sit here, in this room, all by myself.

Funny thing is, I remember the first time I was in my own hotel room.  This was even before I got my old job.  It was during an interview for another one – I had to travel to the city the company was in.  I remember stepping into my room and feeling this complete sense of freedom.  No one to dictate my moves, my life – at least for the night.  Of course, at the time I had quite a few things that constrained me.  That’s a whole different story.

Yesterday, when I walked into this room, I felt this strange feeling of loneliness, this utterly weird feeling.  And maybe it’s just because I’m so used to not being alone, to being with him, or even being home.  I dunno.

It’s hard, being away.  But I’m hoping this will be a good thing.  For us, I mean.  I think we’ve hit a wall… We’re used to each other and not in a good way.  Granted, things never stay the same after the initial stages in a relationship, but we’ve only been in this less than 2 years.

I guess I’m new to this, even though my past relationship was pretty long-term.  It was just so… different.  I dunno.  We’ll see how it does.