I wish I had written about this a while ago, about a week ago, when it was fresh in my head and easy to let the words go.  God, I don’t know why it affected me so much.  It’s just “guy talk” right?  When two (or more) dudes get together and make crass comments about unknown chicks?  Strip clubs?  Etc.?  Hell, I mean, look at the earlier posts here, and some of the shit that I’ve pulled in my past.  I sure as hell am no saint.

So then why is there that dead empty feeling in my stomach anytime I read anything remotely like that?

It hurts.  It hurts like a bitch to imagine him even thinking about another woman, getting with her, fucking her, even if it “means nothing.”  Fuck that shit.  Argh, I’m getting pissed writing about it.  Every time I read it, I have this urge to hurt him too.  Not like I don’t have the opportunity.  Hell, I have one BIG opportunity.

 And yet, I can’t fucking deny that I love him.  And at times like this, that seems like the biggest disadvantage ever.  At times like this, I just want to… I wish I never fell for him, for anyone.  After the ex and I broke up, I wish I was solo and that was that.  I know I know – the grass is always greener.  But hell.  It would be fun.  Damn it would be fun.

And yet.  ARGH.  Times like these, I hate being a girl.  Maybe we humans aren’t meant to be monogamous.  I mean, hell, marriage is bullshit.  Look at how often it fails, even when it doesn’t end in divorce.

And seriously, what the fuck is his obsession with sex anyway?  And always wanting to try new things?  Yeah, maybe you should have that checked out.  God, maybe the problem is not just with me, maybe it’s both of us.  Ever thought about that, Sparky?

Ugh.  Nothing is ever perfect.  And right now, I don’t feel like anything ever gets close.

I have always prided myself on growing and evolving.  That is one thing in life I’ve always wanted – to be sure I’m growing as a person, in my thoughts, actions, etc.  And I’m not sure, now I feel like the past 2 years, that hasn’t really happened.  And who’s to blame for that?

Myself, for one, yes.  I think I’ve grown much more lazy in the past few years.  It’s terrible.  But then I wonder if I can blame my other too.  Well, first of all, there was this cocoon of comfort that was created almost from the beginning.  Initially, it started out as wonderful, safe, everything you could imagine.  But recently, especially in the last year, I think it has turned negative, probably from both sides.  And each blames the other.

I just had a random thought in my head, from a dance practice we did for a cousin’s wedding 4 or 5 years ago.  I remember being much more outgoing then.  I used to run around, take the place of someone who was missing, make people laugh.  Now, I feel as though I’m nowhere near as outgoing, and I feel like there is some sort of unknown force holding me back.  And I wonder if it’s him.

It’s strange.  It feels like I’m just on the edge of an epiphany.  But I don’t know what to do with it.  Now that I have this knowledge, where do I go?  How do I apply it?  How do I fix it?  So fuckin’ confused.

We are not as close as we used to be.  In fact, we are the furthest from each other that we have ever been.  The past 6 or so months have been Really Bad.  I’m scared that it’s only gonna get worse.  I combed through some old emails and old conversations last night – and damn!  Who were those people and where the fuck did they go?  SIGH.

I’m so lost.

I don’t know why I do it. I should stop, because apparently, there are things I don’t want to know, would never want to know, and which affect my mind since I know them now. And how do I explain that effect that they have on my mind, since technically I’m not supposed to know?

Funny to find out that your man wishes he could enjoy a stranger. A strange woman, not you. Maybe I don’t satisfy him. It’s true – I don’t. Sex isn’t on the top of my list. Wonder why? Is there something wrong with me? Possibly.

When I get into these moods, I just want to.. ARGHHH!! I don’t know, I just want to do something stupid. Want to hurt him, want him to feel the hurt that I feel. I can’t believe the shit I read. The shit he says about me to other guys. It’s a guy thing though, I suppose? Somehow I figured him to be different. Not like other guys. He’s never come off that way. I take that back – he used to not come off that way. These days, there’s no difference between him and my ex. Granted my ex had his own good qualities (and bad).

It’s funny how we expect a relationship to not change when we get into it, how we expect a person to not change. But they do, and WE do. And that changes everything, doesn’t it. And it’s so hard to realize.

It’s easy to blame someone else. And maybe that’s what I’m doing. Hell look at my past few entries. I talked about another guy, about another guy touching me. Am I any better?

But that doesn’t make a difference. Does it. No. It still hurts, deeply hurts, to imagine that he would think things like that. That he might consider a “happy ending” if he was traveling and no one was there to find out. Fuck you bitch. Maybe I should consider that. Maybe I will.

Maybe I fucking will.

I’m giving myself a headache over something that doesn’t exist, that shouldn’t exist!!! How do I make this stop!!!!

I wish I could
Make my words
Sing to you
The way yours let loose
A river of cool water
Down my body

Goosebumps in its wake.

A simple desire
From so long ago
Thought lost, abandoned
Forsaken perhaps

Now it burns
In the palm of my hand
A mysterious glow
Throbbing
Pulsating

Seeking to be unraveled.

A pleasure only felt
In the darkest
Of dreams
Yet the magic leaves behind
Indelible marks

On my skin.

I guess it wasn’t over then. I never realized it in my euphoria over the current events. And now, 2 years later, when the euphoria has worn off my relationship, perhaps reconnecting wasn’t a good idea. But I can’t help it.

God, how his words speak to me. A river of cool water rushes over and down my body, leaving goosebumps in its path, leaving me breathless, yearning to feel his touch.

Did I really write that? Yes. I did. It’s a train wreck. I can’t let go, but what will happen if I hold on? There can’t be anything on his side, or can there? That day, at the coffeeshop, I saw a glimpse. We touched the topic briefly, though it was like sticking your hand into a fire, feeling it burn.

And that’s what it feels like now. It’s pain and it’s pleasure. I know, logically, there are so many reasons that it would not work, not that I would ever try. I know that my current relationship (my fiance for goodness sake!) is probably the best, and I have never questioned it before.

I wonder though. I don’t think I question it even now. But I hold this mystery in my other hand, it glows and it burns. It seeks to be unraveled, like my clothes with his hands, his long fingers working their magic on my skin, leaving indelible prints.

I wonder, had it happened then, or even if it happened now (no! I shouldn’t think about it!), would it be the same fire? Is it just the thrill of the chase, or the haunting memories of a pleasure never felt that beckon me to him?

Here I am, in another empty hotel room, by myself. It’s been almost a year since I was in this position, and even then I didn’t want to be there. I had finally found him, the jeevansaathi (JS), who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Okie, so finally implies that I had been looking. Which I had not. I mean, I guess it was just too complicated – everything that was going on in my life – to really call it “looking.”

But that aside, it came to a point where it sucked to be away from him, and only be able to see him on weekends. That too, not very often, because of the parentals.  Then I changed roles at work, and found myself always home.  That allowed me kind of be able to live with him.  So I did, on a weekly basis – home on the weekends.  I did that for almost a year, with some weeks at home.

And then came a massive job change, and I’m back to traveling.  At least for now.  So I sit here, in this room, all by myself.

Funny thing is, I remember the first time I was in my own hotel room.  This was even before I got my old job.  It was during an interview for another one – I had to travel to the city the company was in.  I remember stepping into my room and feeling this complete sense of freedom.  No one to dictate my moves, my life – at least for the night.  Of course, at the time I had quite a few things that constrained me.  That’s a whole different story.

Yesterday, when I walked into this room, I felt this strange feeling of loneliness, this utterly weird feeling.  And maybe it’s just because I’m so used to not being alone, to being with him, or even being home.  I dunno.

It’s hard, being away.  But I’m hoping this will be a good thing.  For us, I mean.  I think we’ve hit a wall… We’re used to each other and not in a good way.  Granted, things never stay the same after the initial stages in a relationship, but we’ve only been in this less than 2 years.

I guess I’m new to this, even though my past relationship was pretty long-term.  It was just so… different.  I dunno.  We’ll see how it does.